sometimes i

...bite my nails because i know the sound of it drives other people crazy.

...dance around in my underwear when no one is home.

...watch people who are experiencing puppy love, and secretly wish that a bird would fly up above and shit all over them.

...pick at my toenails

...wonder how different things would be if certain traumatic things didn't happen. to me at least.

...admire those who can open up so easily to people they don't know. but somehow they trust them.

...blame myself for things that i know aren't my fault.

...wish that izzy stevens would be kicked off grey's anatomy because every season she pisses me off even more.

...enjoy having the small circle of friends that i have and no one else.

...talk to myself because there are things i can't talk to other people about.

...fear that i will become that crazy cat lady.

...cry because i feel like such a failure. i'm only 23.

...think that some of the ridiculous things that happen in my life are Gods way of entertaining himself.

...feel the jokes on me.

...wish that the "awesome" girl will be seen as something more than just a friend.

...can't escape myself, and want nothing more than to be something different.

...am completely satisified with how my life is; i'm alive, i have solid friends and a great family.

...think that's not enough.

...disappear.  (for awhile at least)

Politics

so, i officially can't wait for election day to come. because i hope that when that day comes people will make the right choice. and for once we can prove to the world that us Americans aren't the ignorant assholes we've been made out to be. 

so help me god America if we make the same mistake as 4 years ago...

i've followed the debates. i've read up on the candidates. i've got some knowledge on the campaign. basically this is how i see it...

-what it comes down to with this election is this question: Do the American people want the next 4 or 8 years to be like the last 8 years? 

In my humble opinion...NO! we can't afford another year in this mess, let alone the next 8. and really...maybe its just my opinion...but a Republican president will NOT make positive changes.

Its clear that McCain's campaign is trying to invoke this fear in their followers that Obama is a radical liberal and that if he becomes president then the country will become a haven for other radical thinkers to organize and push forth movements that would destroy the foundations of institutions and values that us upstanding citizens of America hold.  Provided that everyone in America is a conservative, born again Christian who believes that God and State should be one.

*gag*

Now, while Obama isn't exactly our knight in shining armor...he's what we have to work with, and honestly i think he could achieve a good number of his goals in his first term, if he were to become president.  He definately fills me with hope for change.  And change is exactly what we need.

I was highly disappointed in the debates tonight.  I felt that once again, neither of the candidates really answered the questions, but what really did it for me was when the moderator asked them about their campaigns being negative.  What a waste of time! I could care less about whether they're feelings were hurt about things the other side said.  Talk to me about healthcare. talk to me about economic reform. talk to me about things that matter to me! i wanted to smack the jerk for even thinking that was a good question to ask!

and then seriously...McCain and his anti-spread the wealth. whats wrong with giving us hard working citizens the money that we've earned? i'm sorry but people pulling in 6 digit figures, god forbid they have to tighten up their wallets and not buy their 5 year old a plasma flat screen tv. 

what i'm trying to say is that we should be living within our means.  One person doesn't need to have 8 cars, or 5 tvs, or a pool table even. yeah its nice to be able to buy whatever you want, but what this economic crisis calls for is for everyone to start buying what they NEED. and rich families should not be excluded.  you rich people will still be rich. you just won't be as rich. get over it. all i wanna be able to do is pay my bills and my loans, buy myself food, and have a little bit of money left over to start saving. thats it.

but i can't do that if i keep getting taxed more and more and more, while you rich people who can afford your bills and your fancy food, and your designer clothes....

the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

what kind of democracy is that? and why is it such a problem that the working stiffs of America get a little financial assistance from those who so clearly need none?

*sigh*

i fear what could possibly come.

but if the worst happens, you bet your ass i'll be taking part in every uprising, protest, and march.

i will not stand for another 8 years to be raped by the very people who are supposed to be representing me. 

the Soap Bubble (laundromat adventures)

so after weeks and weeks and weeks of building up my dirty laundry i finally rounded it all up and hit up a laundromat

mainly because i had way too much laundry to do, and not enough room in the house to hang it all around

and randomly i felt like sitting in a laundromat.  its fun. the different people who are there. seeing their laundry. 

obviously i'm easily amused. 

anyways i went to the Soap Bubble, something about it seemed like the perfect laundromat to go and sit in and wait. 

so i get there and it took me like an hour just to get enough quarters together, i had like 3 loads (really i should've had 4, but i just combine whites and colors...i know its against the rules...clearly i break rules) and i kept moving them in and out of washers because the first washer i went to use was like $4.00 for one load and that would just break bank.  so i get myself situated, laundrys all set in the washers, put on my headphones and grabbed my knitting loom, grabbed a seat in front of the windows and relaxed.  while i'm sitting there, these 2 little boys are running around and i smiled at them.  the older one (who later told me he was 7) seemed to like me and sat next to me and just started rambling on. first he was talking about his gameboy, and then he talked about the wii, and then he's telling me how his mom's boyfriend is a drug dealer and his gameboy got broken while his mother and said boyfriend were fighting.  in further detail he goes on to say that his moms boyfriend was trying to stab her with a fork.  naturally i feel awkward about the situation, especially because his mom was right around the corner and i'm sure she doesn't want her personal business being laundromat gossip.  so i tried changing the subject and asked him what he liked to do when he wasn't in school. he told me he liked soccer, and then somehow got back on the subject of his moms drug dealing boyfriend.  so i made another attempt at changing the topic and asked him if he had any pets.  you would've thought i asked him what he wanted for christmas.  by this time my laundry was done in the washer so he was following me around the place going on about the puppy his mom's boyfriend has. to which then she responds that they aren't going to have the puppy anymore because boyfriend will be leaving.  the boys little heart broke. so i went and bought him a piece of gum from the gumball machine.  then he started chasing his brother around, and then he got in trouble, and then they left.

so i've gotten all of my crap in the dryer and i go back to sitting and knitting.  while i'm listening to my music i hear what sounded like two people yelling at each other. of course at first i just thought that it was me being the deaf girl listening to her music and everything sounding like people were yelling. but out of curiosity i pause my music and sure as shit...the girl working at the laundromat was yelling at this other creep of a lady that was doing laundry there.  i came in at the part where the lady working there was yelling 'Get your ass out of here...i'm calling the cops'.  So i stop knitting....and just listen. the crazy lady is yelling and making a scene while the working lady is on the phone telling the cops that theres a lady whos spilling her beer everywhere and is refusing to get rid of the beer and leave.....

where the hell was i when this lady carried a 6 pack of blue moon in? 

all i know is she comes around the corner with a 6 pack that only had 2 beers left in it, with that confrontation smirk that people get. and then throwing out some form of an insult as she walks out the door.

can i just add here that the crazy lady was grubby? she was round....i will be as bold as to say she was packing some extra pounds in the stomach area. enough so that her shirt wasn't even covering an inch above her belly button, and her underwear was hanging out over the wrap skirt she had on.  and you could see her underarm hair peeking out. meh.

anyways....so i turn and see that the dryer with my clothes is done, and they're not completely dry, so i try to dry them some more and the dryer isn't having it. so i had to dig through the load and find my underwear because in my delusional head i thought that would make enough room for everything else to dry faster. again...clearly retarded thinking. so finally i end up moving my crap to the dryer next to the original one. i sit and knit and listen to music for 15 more minutes.  while i'm folding my clothes two cops come in. and while they're leaving one of them looks at me and turns to the other one and says 'this is a really nice laundromat' with one of those dumb grins like he was just so sly and clever. 

i made it out of the laundromat in one piece.  and i'm definately bringing popcorn on my next trip back.

Fleas

why do they even exist?  they're just one giant annoyance that comes around once a year. i did a full sweep through the house on sunday, cleaned this apartment from top to bottom.  it was so clean a nudist colony would want to live here.  i spent $68 on flea treatment for my cats (the equivalent to my monthly car insurance payment), and then i got up early and vacuumned the whole house tuesday morning before i left for work (which is a totally new rant).

so i have the day off today and i'm feeling pretty good and lo and behold i pick up one of my cats while i'm on the couch and a flea hops from him right onto me. 

so naturally the logical thing to do is give him a bath in dish soap.

he tried to maul me, but i won out in the end.

i'm sure he's reporting me to PETA at this very moment, and any second now there will be a knock at the door and i'll be arrested for animal abuse or something.

tomorrow is another vacumn day. i will win this war. those fleas don't even know who they're messing with.

[sidenote: we're not infested. so everyone can stop being all worried that they're gonna bring fleas home with them.  they're fleas. not an STD.]

on the work front- a new position is opening up because the guy got a job teaching at UNE. the way i look at it, any job at the cash vault is gonna suck, but i would get a small raise which i really could use. and my hours would shift to more slightly normal hours. and its more busy work then what i do now...which is totally not busy.

i got out of work at 2:30 AM this morning, bringing my total of hours so far this week to 25. my boss told me to take the day off. so i did. in retrospect i should've gone into work today and then worked half a day tomorrow and taken friday off.  but then again...i was at work till 2:30 in the morning.  i was more than unimpressed, but what could i do.  i was the only person there that knew how to run the joint. 

i'm looking foward to going home in a few weeks.  i really miss it right now.

Short Poem

Looking through a broken window

fear and anger rising within

The crowded concourse buzzing 

like bees working in the hive

He was a wolf in sheep's clothing

hunting for his prey

She was an innocent child

unaware a part of her would die that day.

"This world cannot be saved. True love will not be found. Its all unstable ground."

- Bad Astronaut "One Giant Disappointment"

back in the groove

i made a skirt the other night out of one of my gorilla biscuits shirts that was on the wide side. its super sweet and ultra comfy. i'll probably wear it everyday.  i'm going to be collecting old t-shirts and using them to make new things (like skirts, bags, tanks...etc) so if any of you find yourselves cleaning out your closet, go ahead and put my name on the pile of shirts you're getting rid of!!!  and i'll take shirts of any size, color, fabric, print....i don't discriminate.

my next task is to make a skirt out of this heavier t-shirt i got at salvation army the other week. i think i might use my minor threat shirt and create a big front pocket. or i've got a teal tank top that i could use as a contrasting waist band.

i'm starting to get the creative itch...and i love it!

every day is a fresh start

I've decided that in an attempt to get my shit together, I would turn my "blog" into something much more than my typical rants and raves about everyday life. I'm going to start posting writings, drawings, excerpts from readings, photos, and other nonsense in hopes of getting myself back into the habit of being creative. I have a degree in Art. I might as well show it in some form. Of course this "showing" method won't really happen until I fix my computer...but all in due time. My installation disk is in the mail en route to me as we speak, and the moment it touches my hands my computer will be healed and I will be able to share things with the world.

Some things to look forward to...
I will be sharing a table with the incredible Amanda Clark at this years holiday sale. I'm undecided as to exactly what I will be selling...but I can almost guarantee winter hats will be among the things to buy.
paintings and drawings.
Lots of giraffe related things...can't get enough of them.
the pathetic dealings I refer to as my life.
inventions of some sort.

i'm realizing that right now is the time when i can do anything i want. i have nothing holding me back. and everything requires some kind of effort and i have to stop being a pussy and start putting myself out there if i want to make something of my life. so lets do this.

Sandra's seen a leprechaun
Eddie touched a troll
Laurie danced with witches once
Charlie found some goblins' gold
Donald heard a mermaid sing
Susy spied an elf
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself
-Shel Silverstein "Magic"

The woes of a college grad who's life plans have gone awry

Hello! 

This is odd. The last time i had a "blog" was back in 2005.  Back when all the cool kids were doing it.  Then over the years, needless to say, i started to feel like my entries were pure bullshit. oh boo hoo, the boy i like doesn't like me, or i fight with my parents everyday...whats new.

now that i'm older and wiser (at least i'd hope) i feel like i could actually write some good things. things that aren't so childish. but as i'm sitting here now i'm realizing some of the things i'll write about are exactly what i used to write about (i.e. the parents) except 3 years later. but i'll strive to make this as truthful as possible without sounding like a whiney 3 year old brat. i am a recovering whiner. so this will be a test of will.

As the title of this entry states...i have definately gone off the beaten path that i had created. but in retrospect, what path did i actually create. 95% of my time at school was a waste. I was more concerned about smoking pot, having fun, and getting into trouble with my friends then actually setting the foundation for a future career. i didn't create a path. which i guess is why i am exactly where i am. living at home, 2 weeks before my 23rd birthday, broke, and with no clue as to what i'm going to do with myself. however i will say this for myself, i have limited my drug use dramatically (moving back in with the folks of course is a key factor), i do pay all my bills on time, and i did have a plan that had been set in motion but...of course halted due to life and its unexpecting twists of events.

let me tell you about this plan:

during my college years i had attended art school in portland, maine. i loved it there. the city...not the school. i had made some fine friends and just felt generally happy for the first time since my first kiss in high school. everything felt right. unfortunately my fun had to end due to the school raising its tuition and me not wanting to go back.  so i took what i thought was the smarter opportunity to move back home with my parents where the rent is free when you're in school and there is more than enough food that you don't even have to cook yourself....there are other people (moms) to do it for you, and go to school close by where it only costed me not even a quarter of what art school cost. so anyways, i moved home. i wasn't very happy about it but i immediately planned to move back to portland right after i graduated a little more than a year later. so here it is. february 2008. after months of sending out resumes, going to portland twice for a week at a time, and only having 3 interviews and 1 phone interview...i finally had been offered a job. so i put my two weeks notice in...made plans to stay with a friend until his lease was up in may, and so excited my head felt like it was going to burst. aaaand about a week after the job offer...phone rings, its my doctor and 'hi i'm here to drop the atom bomb on you and your life! have a nice day!'.

plan demolished. now was i upset about the fact that i have to have a biopsy done? sure. who wouldn't be. but let me tell you what broke my heart....for 15 months i had anxiously awaited the day i would grab my diploma and immediately jump into my car and take off. for 15 months i had anxiously waited to get back to my friends who fill me up with so much happiness its almost sickening. and it was there at my fingertips. and in one phone call it was all done. 

now i know what most of you are thinking 'well just cuz she has to have a biopsy done doesn't mean she can't move...'. but it does, my friends. the job i currently have offers health insurance to its workers, which i am now since january covered by. the job i was going to be starting in portland does not. now i know that the chances i have cancer are so unlikely that in one sense i should've just stuck with the plan. but on the other hand...regardless i would still have to go back for a check up in a few more months. portland is definately not a right, then a left, then another left and done. but i have graciously accepted the circumstances as they are. i will continue to live home for the next month or so and save more money. and depending on the results i will try again.

but can i throw in that i'm bored. so incredibly bored. its not that i don't have friends here at home. its that...i don't have friends i really like to hang out with here at home. they're good people, don't get me wrong. but they also have all stuck around since high school and well...i didn't. i went off wanting to get out there and be in other places seeing what other places are like. and i've changed...i mean who hasn't. but its just...i don't really have all that much fun hanging out with these friends and so i don't. for the last year of being home i didn't really try to make new friends because i figured i was leaving. now i'm like...stuck. and not sure where i'm going with my life. i thought of joining the peace corps. my parents shot that down. i thought of teaching english abroad. they shot that down too. i even pulled a kamikazee and mentioned going back to school in the fall for my masters.  i won't even get into what war that started. so...here i am. completely unsure of myself. bored on top of that. and starting to get lonely. 

i guess its good that i'm an "artist'. although maybe i should actually do art in my free time then watch tv.