This is odd. The last time i had a "blog" was back in 2005. Back when all the cool kids were doing it. Then over the years, needless to say, i started to feel like my entries were pure bullshit. oh boo hoo, the boy i like doesn't like me, or i fight with my parents everyday...whats new.
now that i'm older and wiser (at least i'd hope) i feel like i could actually write some good things. things that aren't so childish. but as i'm sitting here now i'm realizing some of the things i'll write about are exactly what i used to write about (i.e. the parents) except 3 years later. but i'll strive to make this as truthful as possible without sounding like a whiney 3 year old brat. i am a recovering whiner. so this will be a test of will.
As the title of this entry states...i have definately gone off the beaten path that i had created. but in retrospect, what path did i actually create. 95% of my time at school was a waste. I was more concerned about smoking pot, having fun, and getting into trouble with my friends then actually setting the foundation for a future career. i didn't create a path. which i guess is why i am exactly where i am. living at home, 2 weeks before my 23rd birthday, broke, and with no clue as to what i'm going to do with myself. however i will say this for myself, i have limited my drug use dramatically (moving back in with the folks of course is a key factor), i do pay all my bills on time, and i did have a plan that had been set in motion but...of course halted due to life and its unexpecting twists of events.
let me tell you about this plan:
during my college years i had attended art school in portland, maine. i loved it there. the city...not the school. i had made some fine friends and just felt generally happy for the first time since my first kiss in high school. everything felt right. unfortunately my fun had to end due to the school raising its tuition and me not wanting to go back. so i took what i thought was the smarter opportunity to move back home with my parents where the rent is free when you're in school and there is more than enough food that you don't even have to cook yourself....there are other people (moms) to do it for you, and go to school close by where it only costed me not even a quarter of what art school cost. so anyways, i moved home. i wasn't very happy about it but i immediately planned to move back to portland right after i graduated a little more than a year later. so here it is. february 2008. after months of sending out resumes, going to portland twice for a week at a time, and only having 3 interviews and 1 phone interview...i finally had been offered a job. so i put my two weeks notice in...made plans to stay with a friend until his lease was up in may, and so excited my head felt like it was going to burst. aaaand about a week after the job offer...phone rings, its my doctor and 'hi i'm here to drop the atom bomb on you and your life! have a nice day!'.
plan demolished. now was i upset about the fact that i have to have a biopsy done? sure. who wouldn't be. but let me tell you what broke my heart....for 15 months i had anxiously awaited the day i would grab my diploma and immediately jump into my car and take off. for 15 months i had anxiously waited to get back to my friends who fill me up with so much happiness its almost sickening. and it was there at my fingertips. and in one phone call it was all done.
now i know what most of you are thinking 'well just cuz she has to have a biopsy done doesn't mean she can't move...'. but it does, my friends. the job i currently have offers health insurance to its workers, which i am now since january covered by. the job i was going to be starting in portland does not. now i know that the chances i have cancer are so unlikely that in one sense i should've just stuck with the plan. but on the other hand...regardless i would still have to go back for a check up in a few more months. portland is definately not a right, then a left, then another left and done. but i have graciously accepted the circumstances as they are. i will continue to live home for the next month or so and save more money. and depending on the results i will try again.
but can i throw in that i'm bored. so incredibly bored. its not that i don't have friends here at home. its that...i don't have friends i really like to hang out with here at home. they're good people, don't get me wrong. but they also have all stuck around since high school and well...i didn't. i went off wanting to get out there and be in other places seeing what other places are like. and i've changed...i mean who hasn't. but its just...i don't really have all that much fun hanging out with these friends and so i don't. for the last year of being home i didn't really try to make new friends because i figured i was leaving. now i'm like...stuck. and not sure where i'm going with my life. i thought of joining the peace corps. my parents shot that down. i thought of teaching english abroad. they shot that down too. i even pulled a kamikazee and mentioned going back to school in the fall for my masters. i won't even get into what war that started. so...here i am. completely unsure of myself. bored on top of that. and starting to get lonely.
i guess its good that i'm an "artist'. although maybe i should actually do art in my free time then watch tv.
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